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Retainer vs. Raccoons

I think that I may have trouble telling you this story since I was not there the whole time. So, because I do not wish to bore you with my musings of what might have happened or could have been, I think that I shall pass the pen over to my retainer itself to tell you of its exploits….

“It all began right after my lunch, my wearer had taken me (i’m a retainer) out of her mouth and placed me on the table while she ate”

All of this struggle could have been avoided had she but remembered to put me back in. Unfortunately for both of us, she forgot.  About an hour later her mother decided that the tablecloth was dirty and should be shaken out. So with that pretense, she took everything off of it (at least she thought she had) and carried it outside and shook it off on the porch. I went sailing through the air and landed, thud, on the deck near the steps.  She did not see me and went back inside with the tablecloth, shutting the door behind her. I lay there all day unnoticed, for indeed nobody had seen me, neither was I missed.

At last the hours were spent.

It was dark. The time had come again for my owner to give me a bath, scrub me clean, place me back into her mouth and head off into dreamland. I think that was when she missed me. I could dimly hear the sound of her feet, as she desperately scoured the entire house, looking for me. I wished there was some way I could summon her by saying, “Hey, I’m right here! On the porch! I’m fine! Come get me!”  I had to have lain there for at least half an hour before her father returned home, walking right past me, and joined in the search. At last, far into the night, everyone gave up, temporarily, and crawled into their beds for some rest.
But there was no rest in store for me this night. Soon after the house retreated into darkness, out of the forest came 2 of the cutest, most devious bandits I have ever seen. They ran up onto the porch together, playing with the water and their favorite little white shell, and each other. Then I was spotted. Their little eyes glittered with mischievousness as they ran at me, scooped me up, and felt me all over with their soft, hand like paws. I could feel them carrying me over to their “pond”. Next thing I know I’m under the water. Whao! That was cold!  I used to dislike getting bathed by my mistress. But that was like being in a Jacuzzi compared to this! I was dunked, washed and scrubbed with algae. They were not especially gentle with me so I knew that sooner than later I would weaken. At last, I could take it no longer! The stress was too great! I cracked. After that I do not remember much. Although I have reason to believe that they soon tired of me, laid me down, and scampered back into the trees. At last, maybe I could rest!

The rest of the night, though chilly, was much more pleasant than the hours before. I awakened the next morning to the sight of my mistresses father’s huge feet clomping past me on his way to work. He never saw me. Later I heard my mistress and her mother once again looking for me. Then, to my great relief, I heard her mother tell her about what she had done with the tablecloth. I heard feet coming toward me and the door creak open. A happy gasp and squeal of joy burst through the early morning air as I found myself once again in my mistresses hands. Although she scrubbed me thoroughly (I don’t think she likes the taste of algae) I didn’t mind quite as much as I usually did. What a joy it was to be back home where I belonged.”


  • B. Houtchens

(Just to give you a little background, the person who wrote this article is an actual orthodontic patient of ours. She had her braces taken off a few weeks prior to this story. She was instructed to keep her retainer in her mouth at all times, except when eating. We instruct our patients that when they take it out to eat they must put their retainer into a retainer holder to keep it safe.  More retainers are lost each year to being “thrown out” with the table trash.  When the patient called us and explained to us what happened we offered her the chance to write her story down so others can learn from her mishandling.  If the patient agrees to write their story then we offer them 1/2 off the new retainer fee. This story above is an actual exact copy of her very cleverly written essay.  We hope you enjoyed it as much as we did. She got 1/2 off on her retainer fee and a good laugh from us (and a blog post).  HA!)


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